I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
