I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
