Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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