do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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