its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
