part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
