mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
