I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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