Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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