I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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