Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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