I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We need to rekindle our bromance
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
