i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
