If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
