Michael Bay diarrhea
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
