wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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