you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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