there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
