Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I enjoy the company of your penis
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
