I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
