the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
