Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
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