While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
