You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
