I'm eating all of the evidence.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
