Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
