He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
