I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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