I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
