When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
