I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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