Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
