Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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