I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize