My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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