I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
