SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
