apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
