hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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