mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
