Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
