i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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