I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
