TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
