My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
