We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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