Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
