The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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