I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
