My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
