I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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