Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
