getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
