He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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